~

How should I start this post? Heh, I guess it's already been started. 

Would you risk ruining what you share now, just to say what's your heart has to say?

I would. I know it's selfish on my part, but it's not a nice feeling having to keep it in. And what I have to say will just be a rehash of whatever's been already said. I guess that's why it's selfish, I'd rather put the emotional baggage on you than carry it myself. 

I keep asking myself why I'm so caught up with you. Could it be because you're the first person who I was so open with? If it was someone else I opened up to at first, would I not feel a thing for you besides pure friendship? I guess there's just something about you. 

I mentioned once to you how I hold you in such high regard and how there was this "imbalance" of how we value each other and you told me "well, you'll just have to deal with it.". It hurt. To treasure someone so dearly only to have them throw it in your face. Despite the number of times I've been "hurt", I still wanted you around, but it wasn't in the "sick, masochistic way", as if I'm addicted to pain. No. I wanted you around because no matter how upset I was, whether by you or other factors, you made it better. This isn't to say I'm entirely dependent on you to feel good about myself, but like I mentioned in the previous blog post, things seem *better* when you're there, not *good*, *better*. 

I want so much to tell you again how I feel when you come back. But then I'd just be selfish, and you'd think I'm someone who doesn't know when to quit when being told "no". 

No?

Come Back, Be Here

Why is it that even small talks with you are enough to fill me with joy?

Have I grown to be so dependent on you? I sound like some mopey teenage chick pining for the school jock. Ugh. 

But it really is a nice feeling getting to see your responses. How there's always laughter in them. It's good to know that you're happy. 

(Everytime you shine, I'll shine for you)

"2am is not for the lovers in each other's arms. It's for the lonely, the ones who love those who are loved and not being loved in return."

I guess sitting alone in the room, on the bed, just... I don't know, what, zoning out? is calming in it's own, but it's just pure time waster. I can't help it if you keep permeating my thoughts. How despite being far away, it somehow seems you're always around. How every few moments, something reminds me of you. 

(I don't want to miss you like this. Come back... Be here)

Come back... Be here...

How

Are some things better left unsaid?

<Discommunication...>

"Sometimes I wish I could get drunk enough and just drunk text whatever I want to say.

Because I can't say it while I'm sober."

"Lol if it's not wise to say while you're sober then it's best not to say it!"

<My wandering thoughts eat at me, killing me without mercy...>

I don't know why, but at that moment it felt like something pierced a little through my heart.  

<Even though my words won't reach you, I will still sing them. In this one-way traffic...>

I am dying to tell you. To tell you I've never moved on. Yes, I did like someone else for a short period of time after, but you were always there somewhere. (Somehow, typing that just made me feel like a disgusting human being. Like I'm being fickle and just not "genuine".)

<I just want to beat myself up until I'm completely broken...>

I'm dying to tell you, just how much I miss you every single god damned day. How much I wish to be able to hold your hand, even if it's just for a minute - no, a second. How much I want to hug you again, and just feel safe and warm. How much you make the world seem like a nicer place when you're around, how the sun seems to shine a little brighter, music sounds a little gentler. 

<Discommunication...>

How I've never thought I'd be capable of a thing called "love", to the point I refuse to think that I'm in "love" with you, and that it's just a passing infatuation. A crush that crushed me. That's all. 4 more months and it'll be a year. A year of silly yearning. Of wanting the impossible. 

<Even though my words won't reach you, I will still sing them. In this one-way traffic...>

Of wanting you.